A cold shoulder isn't always the end of an argument. Sometimes, it's the beginning of a grudge that silently reshapes your relationships.
Forbes psychologist Mark Travers outlines six subtle signs that someone is holding a grudge against you. Published on June 1, 2026, the piece provides a framework for identifying unspoken resentment before it erodes trust.
Grudges are more common than open conflict. Psychologists define them as prolonged feelings of anger or resentment stemming from a perceived offense. They often persist because the offended party avoids direct confrontation, choosing instead to express discontent indirectly. Travers' insights help readers decode these hidden signals.
Passive-aggressive behavior tops the list. A grudge-holder may use sarcasm, backhanded compliments, or silent treatment to convey displeasure without addressing the original issue. Second, excessive criticism—where minor mistakes are blown out of proportion—often masks underlying anger. Third, avoidance and withdrawal: the person abruptly cancels plans, stops initiating contact, or leaves rooms when you enter.
Fourth, bringing up past grievances repeatedly. Even unrelated arguments may circle back to the original offense. Fifth, selective memory: the grudge-holder conveniently forgets favors or agreements that would require them to interact positively. Sixth, undercutting success: they minimize your achievements or fail to offer congratulations, revealing envy tied to the unresolved conflict.
These signs someone is holding a grudge against you can be subtle but damaging. Relationship experts note that unaddressed grudges create a toxic environment, increasing stress for both parties. Cortisol levels rise, communication breaks down, and trust erodes. The longer a grudge is held, the harder it becomes to repair the relationship.
Travers advises proactive steps: initiate a calm conversation using “I” statements, acknowledge the original hurt, and seek to understand the other person's perspective. Not all grudges can be dissolved, but awareness of the signs someone is holding a grudge against you is the first step toward healing. Without intervention, grudges can calcify into permanent estrangement.
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6 Signs Someone Is Holding A Grudge Against You, By A Psychologist
Not all conflict ends when the argument does. Here are six ways a grudge can reshape relationships in ways you might not notice at first.
Mark Travers, Contributor
Forbes
2 min read
5/10
Key Takeaways
- Passive-aggressive behaviors such as sarcasm, silent treatment, and backhanded compliments are the most common indicators of a hidden grudge.
- Excessive criticism—blowing minor mistakes out of proportion—often masks unresolved anger from a past conflict.
- Grudge-holders frequently avoid the person they resent, cancelling plans, withdrawing from conversations, or physically leaving shared spaces.
- Repeatedly bringing up the same past grievance, even in unrelated arguments, signals that the grudge remains active and unresolved.
- Grudges increase cortisol levels and stress for both parties, leading to long-term damage to relationships and mental health.
Frequently Asked Questions
Common signs include passive-aggressive behavior, excessive criticism, avoidance, repeatedly bringing up the original offense, selective memory about favors, and undercutting your successes.
Use calm 'I' statements to express concern without accusation. Acknowledge the original hurt and ask them to share their perspective. Listen without defensiveness and work toward mutual understanding.
People hold grudges because they feel wronged and either lack the communication skills to address it directly or believe expressing anger will worsen the relationship. The grudge becomes a way to maintain distance while still feeling justified.
Generally no. While holding a grudge may provide temporary emotional protection, studies show it increases stress, raises cortisol levels, and damages relationships and mental health in the long run.
There is no set timeframe. Some grudges last days, others persist for years or decades. The duration often depends on the severity of the offense, the personalities involved, and whether any resolution is attempted.
Acknowledge your feelings without judgment, decide whether the relationship is worth saving, communicate openly, and consider forgiveness for your own peace. Professional therapy can help if resentment is deeply ingrained.
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www.forbes.com
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